A to Z challenge theme reveal

I originally started this blog by dedicating it to that part of myself that had been hushed up, stuffed down, and discriminated against; proclaiming the empowerment of my voice.  Speaking my truth has, until recently, been a difficult task for me, mainly due to my upbringing.   

I was raised in Georgia and brought up in the Mormon church. Oh, and did I forget to mention that I am a lesbian; a southern Mormon lesbian  a great combination. I have worked hard all my life at recovering from the ever damaging effects of organized religion, the implications of being a woman in the Bible belt and reclaiming my truth and voice.

With so many struggling with their own sexuality and what that means in the world today, I cannot continue being silent any longer and hiding behind the fact that I can pass for a straight girl.  When I am asked what I did to make the world a better place, I can say I helped people understand that it’s OK to be you.

So, after much prodding, I am finally writing my memoir and hopefully helping those struggling with coming out.  This A to Z challenge is my way of pushing myself to continue empowering my voice and write this book.  My A to Z challenge theme is growing up and coming to terms with my sexuality.  

Going With The Flow

This story is not for the faint of heart, the rigidly stiff or the tightly attached; it’s a tale about upheaval, displacement, strength and learning to lean out. I read a book a while back on the advice of a friend and a line that has stuck with me was “when in doubt, lean out;” meaning fighting against the current will get a person nowhere. The last several years have been just that, lessons in learning to lean out. I found myself in the void, in between old and waiting on the new.

This revelation of going with the flow came at a time in my life with the most loss and displacement, dealing with the decision to go through bankruptcy and the surrendering of my house.   I chose to let go of my house; I was done trying to find ways to mold the house into a home I imagined.

Dealing with the stress of time dwindling down to the day that my partner and I had to leave our house, was a futile fight against an invisible opponent to stop time; as you know the more you want time to stop the faster it moves forward.   Our belongings were all put into storage with nowhere to go; my whole life fit into three storage units, and we were anxiously awaiting news of the closing date for our new place.

We slept on the floor in three different places, with only what we needed in our day to day lives: clothes, bedding for the floor and computers that was all we had on hand the rest was in storage.   Three months of void; I believe it was the universes way of stripping away all the fight and forcing me to be in a place of surrender and flow.

There was no point in complaining, fighting to change things or hold on to things.  I am normally an anxious person and change causes me much stress and was most certainly unwelcome in my world.  In this void I relinquished my roof over my head, my bed, my control and my security.  I was tired and had no more energy to struggle.

So therefore, I decided to look at the situation differently rather than how it may look to outsiders. I have had to release feelings of overwhelm, anxiety, while letting go of the past and allowing myself to just rest in the present moment. I learned that going with the flow kept me in the present moment allowing me to relax in the now with an understanding that the present moment is where our personal power dwells.

 During those months of flux our things were moved a total of eight times before we would move into our new space.  This experience made me understand that sometimes Universe has a way of cleansing you; when I stopped fighting and pushing against the current is when I was able to let events unfold in their own organic time; me pushing was not going to make the closing date on our new home come any faster, so, I had to go with the flow and make the best of it.

Use Your Voice

Yes you can!  Use your voice

Open your mouth feel the sound

 Rising up from a place of power

Purposeful words to speak

Adding value, becoming a leader.








This is for OctPoWriMo daily poetry writing challenge day 2!

New Beginning: The Road Ahead

She stands on the edge looking out at the world

What will happen to her, what will she become?

 She stands with one foot on the ground

One foot out stretched, letting go

She brings the other foot away from the ground

Courage in tow believing so,

Finds solid ground, the road ahead.

Confessions and Tales from a Jeep

One evening while hanging out with friends enjoying dinner, drinks, and guitar hero, I was introduced to something that tasted like hot licorice and burned like fire.  If you only learn one thing from this it should be Sambuca is not your friend.  In the moment it may tell you that you in fact can, not only play guitar hero but in fact you are the guitar hero. Believe me, Sambuca lies and is in fact a backstabber!

The rest of the evening was a blur and the next morning I awoke with what I can only imagine was a hit and run.  I gathered myself up and my partner and I prepared to leave for dinner with my dad.

We stopped off by a Whole Foods so I could pick up a drink that would cure a hangover; a fruity drink with vitamins and minerals to revive your mind and body.  We ate homemade pizza with lots of colorful toppings. It was good but my body just wasn’t having it.  

Tip number two: Never ever, under any circumstances mix a hangover drink, pizza and a long bumpy car ride home. 

My stomach was so upset.  Morgan asked if I wanted her to drive but the thought of being in the passenger side just upset my stomach more.  I told her that I was fine and I could drive.  We headed out on our fifty mile journey home, my nausea was getting worse.  Morgan asked if I needed to stop but I just wanted to get home to my friend Pepto Bismol; the one that is always there for you after your night as a rock God.  

Tip number three: When someone asks you to stop if you feel sick, do it!

I was fine all the way through Atlanta keeping the nausea down, and then it hit me: the dreaded smell, some random smell from outside the Jeep.  I have no idea what happened in that next second. It felt like eternity and I could not control it.

This was not just throwing up but projectile puking all over the Jeep, all over the dash, steering wheel, down the door, in the side pockets, fruity drink and colorful toppings, it was everywhere. 

Morgan frantically saying, “Pull over!” as I am unable to speak.

I start pulling over, from the fast lane mind you, to the shoulder while opening my door. Morgan grabs the wheel to save herself as I lean out the door puking down the freeway leaving my mark on I75. 

We finally come to a stop, Morgan hands me bed sheets that were in the backseat of the Jeep to try and contain the mess.  After the madness, I look over at her with puke still on me and see the look of horror, I can’t believe what just happened, and would you be offended if I walk the rest of the way home, in her eyes. 

She calmly says, “Are you ok and can you drive us the rest of the way home?”

I said yes.

 Morgan emphatically states, “Good because we would have to call a cab because I am not going over there and sit in your puke. I have never, as long as I have lived in my forty five years, ever seen anything like that.”

I had to remove the carpet from the Jeep and have it shampooed, replace the floor mats. It took about a week to clean it out and get the smell mostly gone.

Next time, if there is a next time, I will pull over before it’s too late. Because it is very clear to me that you don’t want to call a cab to the side of the interstate because your car is covered in puke.  Or simply never drink Sambuca again.

Surrender

It is simply trust, compassion and above all else it is about letting go.
She fights against it crying, SCREAMING, and finally she surrenders; the walls crumble down.
She lets go, discovers she's free, and soars.

Empowering- An Act of Surrender

This past month has been an exercise in surrender.  I have been brought to place where there is no more energy to fight and surrendering is the only option.  So I decided to look at it in a different way rather than how it may look to others.  I have had to release the feelings of overwhelm and anxiety, while letting go of the past, and allowing myself to just rest in the present moment.

When I feel overwhelmed I stop and take a slow deep breath calming my mind. I bring myself back to the present moment, where I have a choice.  I knew, in the moment, there was nothing that I could do to fix the problem and worry would only make me sick.

It is all about surrendering and letting go of things that happened in the past and things that might happen in the future and focusing on now, the very moment we are in.   The present moment is where our personal power dwells.   

In my experience surrender does not have to mean giving up on something; it is a letting go of what you cannot control. Surrender clears the way for a calmer mind and enables the releasement of feelings of overwhelm and anxiety.   There is real strength and personal power in surrender, allowing you to see the present moment instead of looking behind, or in front, at some unforeseen incident that has occurred or might occur.  When your focus is on the present it gives you power to make conscious choices from a heart centered place of strength.  Instead of the choice being made for you or by another, you can decide what is in the best and highest good for you, and usually what is in your best and highest good is also in the best and highest good for others. 

The message here is, surrender is a sign of strength not weakness. I believe it shows emotional maturity; it takes an aware person to realize that letting go is the best option.  Any time you honor yourself it always leads to something better.