F is for Fallacy

Fallacy- A mistaken belief, esp. One based on unsound argument.

There are a lot of people out there under the perception that just because you are lesbian, and are attracted to the same sex, that you must want to be a man. 

Another good line is that lesbians must suffer from a certain type of envy, described best by Freud.  My other favorite line is that gay people want to sleep with all members of the same sex.

I am here to break that out dated stigma of gay people.

Now I can not speak for every member, but for some and myself, here is the truth.

I do not or have not ever wanted to be a man.  I also do not want to sleep with every woman I see,I have taste and preference, as with all gay people. Oh, and Freud was wrong.

Just saying!    

E is for Emerging

As in the emerging self; stepping into who you are. 

When I started this challenge, I did so with the intent to be honest and put as much of myself in each post as possible.  The people impacted by my work deserve nothing less that the truth. 

Religion had a way of making me feel guilty for being who I was created to be. After all, they know what is best for you, what your station in life should be and how you should love.

I was emerging into an adult with a warped sense of self and misplaced boundaries.

When I finally broke away from an out dated mold of myself created by society, I found compassion and self-awareness.

We are all one, but there is no one else like us, I guess the difference is emerging self awareness. 

I had to find a way to merge my true self with what I believed to be true about spirituality.  I am the same as you because love is love.  

Merging spirituality of your inner truth can be a tough job, even more so, when you go to a Pride festival and see people, young and old, holding up signs that say GOD HATES YOU. 

Those signs of hate are soul crushing, especially to young people just following that innate instinct to be who they were created to be in God’s image.

I find it arrogant for any religion to think that they know what God thinks, much less dictate the image that would be created.  

D is for Damsel

As in damsel in distress

I was not born to be a damsel in distress; however the Bible belt is a funny place and mostly ran by churches.  

The churches designate how and what women are to be in society. Being different is an area with a church on each corner can be a hard place. 

When I was young it was easier to believe what my care givers said to me or about me.  Whether the comment was negative or positive it became a part of who I was.

When you’re young it can be hard to determine what truth is and what is not.  There were not high standards for my life, no one was driving me to do anything more than get a menial job and work until, I retire. 

I wanted more; I wanted to be a trail blazer.  It’s funny how when you are following universe’s plan for your life, people try to keep in the station to which you were born. 

I was in distress, but I was no damsel. 

I was told I was stupid and would never amount to much from prominent people in my life.  Those comments impacted my self-worth, confidence and self efficacy.   It took me several years to realize and gain courage to go back to school, be the first person in my family to obtain a bachelors degree in human services as a counselor. I have plans to get my masters degree. 

C is for Courage

Life takes courage, courage to heal, courage to love and most importantly the courage to change.

Encouragement is that feeling, from another, that everything will be alight and you can conquer anything. Encouragement back then was something that was in short supply.

Even though I had discovered that I was gay, I was still struggling with an inner conflict.  

A disassociation split was driving me crazy, between I am bad but this feels right and I should suppress this feeling and follow the Mormon teachings. Both had a negative connotation and it would take courage to realize, I was not bad but a perfectly made image of the creator.

As a person with a Mormon upbringing, I thought I should just be the person everyone expected me to be. By my early twenties, I should have been married and have a child while looking for new ways to take care of my husband.

My anxiety was high and at that point I thought I had to choose my family or my happiness. I started isolating myself from everyone, hoping that my secret identity would not be discovered. It was going to take an eminence amount of courage and encouragement to finally come completely out of the closet.  

B is for Becoming

On the verge of becoming.  

What ever happen to the phrase “live and let live” or my favorite “what does it matter their not peeing in your back yard.”  Sometimes it is hard to fathom that those two statements about tolerance ever existed.  

It is my fervent belief that, we go through situations in our lives that prompt and challenge us to grow and change, then we take that knowledge and help others; becoming a light of hope, a word of encouragement and an example, that it does get better. 

I was straddling both sides of the fence, seeing a man by day and sneaking out to the lesbian bar at night.  I had to find out for myself just what I was becoming, have one experience that would prove to me one way or another just what was happening to me.   

Then from behind I heard a voice say "so, whats your name."    

That one night stand, turned into a hot affair.   

Oh yeah! I was gay and there was no going back.  

A is For Appease

Would it be easier if I appeased you and told you that I or any other gay person had a choice about who we love? Would it make you feel better to think that the deviant behavior was a choice?
If I did not patronize or appease, would it shatter your belief that god would not create a person in his image, that loved another person in a way religious fundamentalists think incorrect.

I am not here to appease you; I am here to speak the truth!

I do not consider my mother or father to be a overly religious; I considered them to be a product of societal and religious thinking.     I I also do not consider myself to be unloved by my parents. I believe change can be difficult especially when it is something related to programming and thoughts of failure.

With so many people holding up signs that spew vitriol and promote hate, it does not surprise me that so many youth struggling to reclaim themselves chose to die rather than face what they cannot change or choose to be. I remember hearing all my life that God does not make junk; we are the image of the creator and that makes us perfect.  

I went to my mother crying and told her I was sorry, I am God's first piece of Junk, because I cannot change who I am.   That moment of vulnerability changed everything. She understood but still struggled with it, and even though we did not speak about it again and more healing needed to occur, she did not deem me broken any longer. The first step was taken.

A to Z challenge theme reveal

I originally started this blog by dedicating it to that part of myself that had been hushed up, stuffed down, and discriminated against; proclaiming the empowerment of my voice.  Speaking my truth has, until recently, been a difficult task for me, mainly due to my upbringing.   

I was raised in Georgia and brought up in the Mormon church. Oh, and did I forget to mention that I am a lesbian; a southern Mormon lesbian  a great combination. I have worked hard all my life at recovering from the ever damaging effects of organized religion, the implications of being a woman in the Bible belt and reclaiming my truth and voice.

With so many struggling with their own sexuality and what that means in the world today, I cannot continue being silent any longer and hiding behind the fact that I can pass for a straight girl.  When I am asked what I did to make the world a better place, I can say I helped people understand that it’s OK to be you.

So, after much prodding, I am finally writing my memoir and hopefully helping those struggling with coming out.  This A to Z challenge is my way of pushing myself to continue empowering my voice and write this book.  My A to Z challenge theme is growing up and coming to terms with my sexuality.