A to Z challenge theme reveal

I originally started this blog by dedicating it to that part of myself that had been hushed up, stuffed down, and discriminated against; proclaiming the empowerment of my voice.  Speaking my truth has, until recently, been a difficult task for me, mainly due to my upbringing.   

I was raised in Georgia and brought up in the Mormon church. Oh, and did I forget to mention that I am a lesbian; a southern Mormon lesbian  a great combination. I have worked hard all my life at recovering from the ever damaging effects of organized religion, the implications of being a woman in the Bible belt and reclaiming my truth and voice.

With so many struggling with their own sexuality and what that means in the world today, I cannot continue being silent any longer and hiding behind the fact that I can pass for a straight girl.  When I am asked what I did to make the world a better place, I can say I helped people understand that it’s OK to be you.

So, after much prodding, I am finally writing my memoir and hopefully helping those struggling with coming out.  This A to Z challenge is my way of pushing myself to continue empowering my voice and write this book.  My A to Z challenge theme is growing up and coming to terms with my sexuality.  

Going With The Flow

This story is not for the faint of heart, the rigidly stiff or the tightly attached; it’s a tale about upheaval, displacement, strength and learning to lean out. I read a book a while back on the advice of a friend and a line that has stuck with me was “when in doubt, lean out;” meaning fighting against the current will get a person nowhere. The last several years have been just that, lessons in learning to lean out. I found myself in the void, in between old and waiting on the new.

This revelation of going with the flow came at a time in my life with the most loss and displacement, dealing with the decision to go through bankruptcy and the surrendering of my house.   I chose to let go of my house; I was done trying to find ways to mold the house into a home I imagined.

Dealing with the stress of time dwindling down to the day that my partner and I had to leave our house, was a futile fight against an invisible opponent to stop time; as you know the more you want time to stop the faster it moves forward.   Our belongings were all put into storage with nowhere to go; my whole life fit into three storage units, and we were anxiously awaiting news of the closing date for our new place.

We slept on the floor in three different places, with only what we needed in our day to day lives: clothes, bedding for the floor and computers that was all we had on hand the rest was in storage.   Three months of void; I believe it was the universes way of stripping away all the fight and forcing me to be in a place of surrender and flow.

There was no point in complaining, fighting to change things or hold on to things.  I am normally an anxious person and change causes me much stress and was most certainly unwelcome in my world.  In this void I relinquished my roof over my head, my bed, my control and my security.  I was tired and had no more energy to struggle.

So therefore, I decided to look at the situation differently rather than how it may look to outsiders. I have had to release feelings of overwhelm, anxiety, while letting go of the past and allowing myself to just rest in the present moment. I learned that going with the flow kept me in the present moment allowing me to relax in the now with an understanding that the present moment is where our personal power dwells.

 During those months of flux our things were moved a total of eight times before we would move into our new space.  This experience made me understand that sometimes Universe has a way of cleansing you; when I stopped fighting and pushing against the current is when I was able to let events unfold in their own organic time; me pushing was not going to make the closing date on our new home come any faster, so, I had to go with the flow and make the best of it.